thoughts

you know how your eyes feel like when you been cryin?? thats how my eyes feel right now but i haven't been crying.. ughhh

its hard to lose someone

oh man anthony. you know you left so many people broken hearted right? but you know we will see each other soon! hold it down for us in heaven until we meet you there and we'll hold it down for you down here! and we are going to make it for you i promise!!! F1rst Class!!! i miss you! i listen to your beats all the time because they bring me great joy and make me feel better when i feel like shit.. thank you!!

what happened again?

yes i know im a day late but i just didnt have the time for it last night i was way too busy!! ughhh im really ready to just b done with skool and go home and work!
so i tried to sleep in as late as possible but blanca made that impossible!! making herself breakfast with the door wide open makin hella noise then talking on the phone taking a shower.. just making hella unnecessary noise! so i got myself some cereal and went to the living room and turned on the tv. there was nothing good on but news and a bunch of soap operas and of course we aint got no cable so i was stuck watching the news for a couple of hours! ughh then my mom got up and ate breakfast.. i was getting rid of hella clothes that i never wore cuz i had hella shit that i brought back from santa cruz and i had no where to put it so i had to clean hella shit out and i still didnt have enough room. then i had to fold all my laundry i had taken home to wash and it was hella and i was feeling hella lazy but i still did it..then i had to decide what clothes i was going to take back for that last week of skool and of course i brought back too much lik always. but whatever then days of our lives came on and i was lik omg i love this show! haha and my mom was lik why the heck are you watching this?!?! and i told her cuz its hella drama! haha but then i realized i hadn't showered in a while.. haha so i hopped in the shower and got dressed and i made my mom take me to my ninas house cuz i didnt want to b in the house and cuz i told my cuzin adam that i would come over so he could show me his pictures from his DC trip.. he had some good ass pictures and i was surprised by how much he remembered about the landmarks and where things were. but then christina called me and was lik im outside your house so we had to go. haha i felt hella bad but she was only there for lik a lil while then i was lik im hella hungry so we went to alameda cuz my mom wanted to go to beverley's since they were having a 50% off sale and i saw this picture of these cool ass socks and i was lik mom make me some and since she couldn't find the yarn she needed she bought me yarn fom my socks :) i was hella happy cuz they gone b hella cute!then i was still hella hungry so my mom took us to mcgee's in alameda which has good ass hamburgers and i hadn't been there in hella long but it was good except the fries tasted hella weird!! but anyways i saw iris there haha she so cute. but anyways after that we went home and then javi came to pick us up cuz he was guna give me and christina a ride back to sc since my mom was still hella sick. so we was on our way but the sumone called javi and we had to go get him and it was felipe and then we finally drove back to sc and it felt kinda long and christina was lik falling asleep the whole way haha. but anyways once we got back i unpacked all my shit and fixed my clothes and started to clear more drawers cuz i wana move out already.. but anyways then i had to right my midterm essay and i hella didnt want to but i already had most of my quotes and shit so it wasnt that hard i was just hella laggin on it then these fools christina fou and ardythe wanted to go eat and i didnt want to but i went anyways. then we came back i finished some reading took a 2 hours nap and wrote my paper in an our.. thats badass! i hope i get a light weight decent grade on it cuz if i dont then i gotta do hella go on the final and idk if i can cuz i really didnt get a lot of it from after the midterm but we'll see. then i was proof reading it and back to bed i went bcause i was soooo tried i didn't even know why.. but this is my life and if you dont like it then dont read it!! its really that simple :)

chaos!

started off the day with some good old church. i swear im so gud at church i can do it in my sleep! no lie i know when to stand, kneel, sit, pray, sing im too good at it! but i really should pay attention.. i just dont know what it is i just cant!! i get so sleepy bcuz its at 730 in the morning!! ughh so long! but i sure was lookin hella cute!! haha so for some odd reason we got out hella early.. well earlier then usual and we came home i was starving but didnt feel lik making myself anything to eat so i just some how fell asleep on the couch. and woke up to my mom saying come on lets go.. go where?? costco? omg ok pues i got up and we left. first we went to verizon but the store didnt open till 11 pinche flojos!! so we went to walmart so my mom could look at some yarn but she couldnt find it so we just looked around and she ended up buying some chocolate and some other shit i cant remember. but it wasn't 11 yet so we still had to spare time.. we went into payless since they had BOGO! ahhh haha buy one get one half off.. we started lookin at some shoes.. actually sandals and we found some hella cute ones! and vero found some cute ones too and so did my mom..so we all walked out with a cute ass pair of sandals.. then we went to verizon.. so im hella mad.. not to long ago i went to the one in santa cruz cuz my touch screens were messing up and they told me if it keeps doing it go back to any store and we'll swap it out for you if this continues to happen.. so i did and that stupid ass guy was lik well why dont you just text with the keyboard or turn it to the side?? i have this same phone.. its probably the software and i was lik mayb.. cuz my phone kept turning off which was why i took it in in the first place and it stopped turning off but the touch screen was messed up and weird shit would happen to the screen where it would turn all white or pixel-ate or weird shit lik that.. so the guy was lik just use the keyboard and wait another month its prolly just the software.. ughhhhh verizon gets on my nerves i swear! as soon as this contract is up im switch to at and t since i want me an iphone hella bad.. so anyways then vero was also getting her phone checked out and that stupid lady was lik you need to put a screen protector on your phone and was being hella rude i felt lik cussing her ass out!! ughh i hate ignorant ass people like that.. just cuz you work there dont mean shit bitch!! ugh anyways we had to come back an hour later cuz veros phone was getting an upgrade.. so then we went to home depot to look at some plants and bought some flowers to plant in the front yard.. but it still wasn't an hour so we went back to walmart i think.. i cant remember idk why i just cant and we looked for more plants their and bought seeds for planting cuz we were gunna go to eve's house for some garden party she decided to randomly throw! haha then we went to costco and got stuff the i think we got vero's phone.. back home i shaved my beastly legs mom cut the sandia and im falling asleep so i will finish this in the morning but this day is may 30th 2010 which was a sunday anyways lik 2 days later when i have time to go back on here and finish my blog.. after cutting the watermelon and getting everything we headed over to eve's house in alameda. it was such a nice day outside really really hot! and the perfect weather for sum tanning! ahhh i loved it. dang and as soon as we're parking fuckin michelle pulls up and parks.. ughh great but anyways dana was there and i haven't seen her in hella long and it was good to see her..then we saw eve and she was lik hella loud! and hella happy that we went.. and i was hella hungry so as soon as they said there was food i was lik oh yes move outta my way. we were there for hella long and then hella ppl and then they were planting and what not but me and vero were inside cuz it was hella hot! and her dad was talking to me for hella long and had a lot of interesting things to say and was very nice and her parents live in santa cruz which is cool and he was hella asking me why didnt i visit them b4 if i live right there and i was lik yeah idk eve? and she was lik yes i know its my fault i was supposed to go visit you and all that stuff and we were still there for hella long after that and whitney was there and i was hella messing with her! haha i love her tho she hella tight i just love giving her a hard time cuz i never see her and its hella funyy cuz she get butt hurt hella easily so i dont even really have to try i know thats so bad but i love that girl she hella tight.. when she wants to be. haha then we went home.. blanca and wilmer were watching a movie and i went to my moms room to watch sum tv but then i fell asleep and my mom was sleeping too.. then we got up around 8 and planted some flowers in the front and it was hard and then we went back inside and she watched a movie with vero and i watched the latest episode of one tree hill and boy was it a good one! or wait did i do that the night b4?? OMG i cant remember but yeah that was my day..
this is my life and if you dont lik it then dont read it! that simple!

ice cream anyone?

so last night i fell asleep watching the lovely bones and waiting up for my mom to get home who was at a concert in san jose of i dont even know what and she says she didnt get home till lik 2am! wut kinda shit is that!! a 48 year old women should not b out the late. and my dad in mexico.. hella bad! haha but anyways i forgot my alarm was on and it went off at 7am.. the was just great! ughh i hated it tho and went right back to sleep!! haha i think it was 9:24 when i got up to pee haha then my mom walked into the bathroom soundin all sick and shit i just walked out after i said good morning to her and hopped right back into bed. but then i got hungry so i looked in the fridge and looked around to see if there was anything i could make myself and nothing really but left overs from blancas graduation from last weekend but i didnt want dinner food for breakfast so i just made myself some tortilla con huevo which is fried pieces of tortilla and scrambled eggs together with the tortillas. i made myself to much cuz i didnt even wana finish it.. but i didnt want to throw it away so i forced myself to eat it. then i just lounged around for a little while looking at the news paper pretending to read it.. hahahaha!! i crack myself up all the time! haha so anyways then i came back to my room to catch up on my days of lives haha and boy was it a pretty good episode! haha then i was lik ok time to get up and get dressed and see what there is to do today haha. but first i polished my toes since they were just clear coated. but then i had to wait for them to dry but i was smart and put my pants on first so that i didnt have to wait hella long for them to dry then i didnt know what to do so i polished my nails but didnt lik the way they looked so i unpolished then haha i always do that when i dont lik it. but anyways then i realized i didnt finish watching the lovely bones so i went back. dam that fucken movie wasnt as good as i thot it was going to b! not scary at all and i kept waiting for something to happen and it just didnt! ughhh good thing i didnt pay to watch that movie and no it wasn't no bootleg it was a rental! so ma mom came in near the end and she had a good ass looking sandwich and it was look hella fuckin good lik no fucken lie!!! so after that movie was over i decided to make me a sandwich and dam was it good!!! then my mom wanted to watch another movie and i didnt know which one to chose so then i just kept looking and i hella wanted to watch slumdog millionaire which i hella love!! ughh that is my movie no lie! mom and vero both hella knocked out so i was watching it by myself and i was just lik watever. then roach started texting me and she was in sac town then she wanted to kick it since she leaves in the morning to LA for the summer for some internship out there. but honestly i dont care if we dont kick it.. she never asked me how my first year in college was going or anything of that sort.. we had hardly no communication this past year and now all of a sudden she wants so kick it..um whatever im cool you go do your thing and ill do mines. so anyways i forgot to mention manuel whos my best friend got all butt hurt cuz i told him that all he cares about is getting his present so i wans't talkin to him for being an ass. but he's lik that all the time i honestly have no idea why i haven't gotten used to it.. maybe cuz i believe that he can change or that mayb he loves me enough not to treat me lik that. but i dont know why i dont learn. ughh i just really need to learn not to give a shit about anyone but i can't.. that not who i am.. no matter how hard i try not to care i just end up caring more.. mayb because if i stop caring and people start leaving my life i will b all alone and i dont want that. i want to be surrounded by many many people all of which who love me and want to b in my life and really truly care about me. idk im just a very loving and caring person and i just cant change that no matter how hard i try.. but anyways when the movie was over i kept telling my mom to get up and shower cuz she had been working in the garden and hadn't showered and she was hella sick and a shower would definitely make her feel better.. plus i hella didnt want to b in the house anymore! haha so i kept telling her to hurry up and shower so she could take me and vero to fentons cuz i had been craving for lik the longest time! plus it was a hot day.. perfect day to get some ice cream. so we went and ate hella quick. i think it was the shortest visit ever!! normally they b takin hella long! haha so we left then my mom was trying to show me and vero where ma dad and her were finna buy their property for when they die i was lik why do i wana see?? shes lik well when we die you gotta know where to go visit once we die cuz we dont care we gone b dead.. but enough bout dead people.. we headed to mami coco's house and chilled their for a lil while i finally got to hold christian lik forreal this time and i was messing with vale lik always. and she cried lik always cuz thats what she does when she doesn't get what she wants but then we had to leave cuz my mom was tryna get some medicine from the store so we went to the walgreens on the way home.. the walgreens is under construction so the entrance was on the other side.. she went straight to the medicine isle and i swear i saw some one i hella didnt wana see and had lik a heart attack but luckily it wasn't the person i thot it was. and my mom cudnt find the medicine she needed but i went to go look for stretch mark removal creams but all i could find was cocoa butter and i really hope that works cuz im super insecure about the stretch marks and my weight thats why i try and go to the gym as often as i can but thats still not enough to make me slim down..ugh girls have it way hard! so then we came home. i had to finish washing so i have clean clothes back at skool for the last week and then i decided to good myself haha boy was i having way to much fun! i found myself everywhere haha naw jp but there were a couple articles about me. i was hella excited cuz im googlable haha!! even tho that hella aint a word haha but anyways for some reason my mom asked bout my boyfriend and i was lik i dont have one. she said what happen to the one you had?? i was lik i left him she was lik why?? and i just told her i didnt want to talk about it and she asked again and i told her again i didnt want to talk about it and then she asked me how i felt compared to my first break up and i was lik oh im perfectly fine! haha she was lik ok good. then she went to go watch a movie with vero in her room and i decided to watch the latest episode of one tree hill and it was sooooo effin good! they left the season with so much suspense and i can't wait till the next season comes out! then i decided to write on my blogger b4 i go to bed..and now im so tired i dont even wana get up in the morning for church but i know i probably should cuz i haven't been in a while and it would prolly do me some good. i forgot to mention i talked to my mom about not going to skool anymore and she was totally ok with it but i still have to go to skool so the insurance could cover me and that would be extra bad. so i hella love cooking and i want to have my own business but i absolutely hate skool and cant do the whole read this now take this test and i expect you to pass. i just cant do it and my mom understands that but we have to b real i aint got no money or credit and no education theres really limited things i could do. so she said why dont you go study in spain? and i thot that wud b a great idea.. study in a different country and have my friend paola's aunt begonia teach me about spanish cooking since she is an amazing cook! its perfect! i get out and study abroad but i also get to experience new things and learn so much more then what i could ever imagine if i were here. im so excited im truly looking into skools that are out there. hopefully i can get some money to go out there and study and hopefully begonia will have me as her foreign daughter and let me stay with her and teach me a whole lot of things about spanish cuisine.. im way too excited i think i might b getting a lil ahead of myself.. so for now i just have to try really hard to make everything work out and we'll see where i am this fall..
this is my life and if you dont like it then dont read it! good night world!

trying to keep up with this as much as possible even tho its only my second day i gotta keep up with it. [oh shit ima watching the lovely bones and this shit is getting hella interesting! oh man i dont lik where this is going!!] so anyways last night i had a night weightsleep over with christina in her room.. haha we always have sleepovers but we just fell asleep cuz i was hella tired so i hella KOed after watching a couple episodes of one tree hill then i got ready for bed and knocked out. friday's i dont have classes so i slept in kinda late but since christina has class in the morning she woke me up and i decided to get up and go to the gym but then my ipod was acting up and i dont lik going to the gym without my music so i wanted to try and figure it out but for some reason it wasn't working so i just decided to watch sum episodes of one tree hill.. im on the third season now. hahaha so i was just doing that for a while then christina came back from her class and for some reason she decided to redo her make-up and i got ready yo go to the gym since i finally got the ipod to work.. i went to the gym weighed myself and felt hella fat so i wanted to work out a lot but i didnt have the energy to do anything xso i ran for lik 10 mins dropped a duce then did some leg work.. but when i checked my phone and realized i had an online discussion for one of my classes due by 5 i turned around and went back to the dorms. got there and did the assignment b4 i forgot and got no credit for it. then i was hella mad that everyone was going home so i hella wanted to go home and text christina and told her to take me home with her cuz i didnt wana b hella bored at skool even tho i had an essay i needed to write for the midterm. so she offered me a ride home. then i showered watch some more tree hill blow dried my hair, packed all my clothes cuz i had hella dirty laundry and i dont even know why so i packed all of it and stuff that i dont use so that when jano helps me move out i dont got hella shit to take home. then brian and krishan were in there trying to start a new frat with their crazy self and we just started looking at all the greek alphabet and were trying to think which letters looked hella cool together. and we were doing that for about an hour then for some reason i started feeling hella sick and just wanted to lay down.. by this time krishan was already gone going back to porter.. i felt hella bad cuz i told him i would go with him to capitola to help him get job applications but instead i came home.. felt hella bad cuz im always catting on him but shit i hella needed to come home!! so i saw phillip for the first time in hella freakin long! he was too busy pledging he didnt even have time to kick it with us.. i fely lik it was the first time i seen him this whole quarter even tho it really wasn't haha but any ways he should me his warrior wounds or battle scars from all the hazing he went through while he was pledge..im so proud of him cuz he stuff with it and didnt give up. but he was badly hurt! so by this time christina's parents should have already been there but they were stuff in some massive traffic so we had to wait hella long!! and then they went to go eat so we decided to go eat but for sum reason all the dinning halls decided to all close at 7 for some dumbass reason so we took a trip all the way to college 9/10 and then took another bus right back since it was closed and decided to just eat whatever food we had in our room .. i had some paella and a cookie phillip ate top ramen and a rib that i gave him and christina had ate some microwavable stir fry which looked hella weird! and brian just ate from everyones plate lik always it was goooood! haha so then christinas parents came and phillip had to leave cuz she told them everything about him and what happened and shit and so then he left and went to go shower. we packed up the car and took off. brian was lik nonstop talking to christinas dad being a huge ass kiss ass and i was just hella laughin at him then manny called me and we was talkin shit to each other then that was it hahaha. so then i came home and it was cool the dogs barked at brian haha it was hella funny!!! so my sisters were surprised to see me but wuteves haha so then i saw that we had movies and in those movies was the lovely bones which i mentioned earlier that i am watching right now by myself.. i feel lik the hugest loser but wutever. and its getting pretty dam interesting! im just guna finish watching this movie prolly KO on the couch waiting on my mom to get home cuz this old lady went to a concert hahaha hella funny!!! but this couch is too dam comfortable to move from haha!! okay.. well this is my life and if you dont like it then dont read it! deuces ma niggas!! catch yall when yall fly.. haha i got flows or rhythms haha whatever you wana call it. haha

alarm went off and i turned it off cuz i wasn't ready to get up and go to class so i went back to sleep. meanwhile jackie was awake typing away on god knows what..possibly her concert report that was due that morning in our world music class?? idk but i just went back to sleep. when i realized it was probably time to get up it was already 9:30 and i was debating on whether i should get up and hustle so i cud have breakfast or stay in bed for 15 more mins and go straight to class. i got up wen to the bathroom got dressed and left. headed for the dinning hall knowing that my next chance at a meal wud b at 3 or later i walked to the dinning hall in the rain. two slices of sausage some eggs and potatoes plus some organe juice on the side to help me with my cold was what i had in my stomach that morning. headed for class still raining listening to my ipod. the walk isn't long but there's a lot of stairs heading down which is good but its a pain with stairs and hills all over campus. if i wud change one thing about the skool it would be to have it flat like cal or some other skool that doesn't require you to go on a hike just to get to your classes for the day! so i went to class turned in my concert report grabbed a seat and sat there till class started.. i truly thot i would lik that class but i dont anymore.. it's annoying and the teacher is too..whack ass crazy examples and hella ppl half the time i fall asleep or listen to music or talk to jackie if we sit together..anyways she let us out kinda early and thank god cuz i had to get to my other class which was lals. i hella fell asleep in that class too ughhh i sleep to much. but for some reason i had lik the worse sleep so i just kept falling asleep. idk i thot i liked that class but actually i really dont.. i dont even wana go to skool anymore.. its too much work a waste of time and a huge waste of money! ughhh i cud do so much work out there in the real world. but anyways i was dreading my next class cuz we had a quiz and i hella dont lik that class either but hey im doing the best i can with what i know..so i went to my next class listening to my ipod chillin waiting for class to start.. waiting for the quiz.. i knew some stuff but we helped each other lik always.. shhh but yeah anyways i had to go to section afterwards and it was whack the final is next week and i feel lik i dont know shit! ughhh anyways at the end of class my TA gave me my midterm and she said that my second essay she couldnt count cuz i used some stuff that i wrote in the first essay and she can't count it so she said she would let me write another essay so she could grade it fairly and if i didnt want another one then she would give me whatever credit she could.. so of course i told her i would right another one so that i could get a better grade.. but on the other hand i got a 29/30 on my definitions which was hella good and i was hella happy and she said i had excellent discussion and explanation of terms and i was hella happy. so i went back to my room caught up on my days of our lives soap opera then went to watch the boys play their basketball playoff game.. too bad they lost because they played a really good ass game and they had a good season but hopefully they'll get the champs next time..im guna miss watching them play basketball and going to the gym cuz i might not come back next year too expensive at this daam skool.. ughhh anyways came back to oakes and started working on this paper.. i thot it was going to be hard but then i started to read and then it got easier. i got hungry so i go a tamal from my fridge :) and some paella :) so happy that my stomach is full and happy! chillin in christinas room and we bouta have a sleepover cuz we only got less then 2 weeks together and no matter how annoying this girl mayb i hella love her and im guna miss her when skools out.. now im just chillin watchin some one tree hill and writing this.. but ima KO soon im hella tired! ughh ok well this is my life and if you dont lik it well dont read it and thats that

Diary

I decided to make my blogger into a diary because i need somewhere to release everything i have inside. i know that no one reads this and if they do then they will know my whole life story. i think in order to love myself more and grow i need to release everything i have inside and b full on real with myself so that i can grow to b a better person. i will right my thoughts, prayers concerns everything thats in my head and heart i will release through my finger tips because i cant keep holding things in and there really isn't anyone in the world that i can completely trust or tell everything to so uncensored unedited this is my life.